HOW TO: realize your christmas could be worse - THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Saturday, December 22, 2012

HOW TO: realize your christmas could be worse

To start with here is The Hood Internets new Remixes. The only two xmas songs I like are "All I want for Christmas is you" which I basically over play all year round and "Santa Baby" which apparently was only covered by Marilyn Monroe and therefore is basically impossible to get a copy of. Thank you negative Christmas Cheer.
"SANTA BABY, i wanna yacht and really thats not a lot.. been an angel all year..."

Anyway.. it seems this time of year is slowly becoming worse and worse each year which is totally depressing bc it started out awesome.. obviously.. the earliest xmas I remember was when I was around 5 and got a million presents plus some.  and NOW. I'm obligated to feel like i should be having an awesome time during many obligatory family get togethers that happen one right after the other with no time to recover... PLUS I have no drunken relatives who do embarrassing things like grannies who take off their wigs and sing karaoke carols or angry uncles who drink too much scotch and get all angry and weird and discuss  the atrocities that will follow Barrack's re-electon namely the downfall of the economy, Reagan's glory days along with a few veiled racist comments... wait.. i totally have those ppl in my fam...

And somehow the fact that i'm newly single seems strangely shittier than it did just a few weeks.. no.. days ago. I'm expecting the shitiness factor of that to prob expand exponentially the closer new years comes. Also- unrelated but while i'm on this little rant.. I do not wish to spend the next 9 months of my life hearing about princess Kate's fetus. You know that shit is going to be all over every stupid magazine at every duane reade check out line in the city until the little thing is birthed.. and then.. god forbid it gets as much press as precious suri.. maybe suri will have a SWAT team ready for it when it comes out. ugh, I swore 2013 would be awesome.. just need to avoid gossip rags. i mean, fuck... someone has already died over this child.

In other completely invigorating news, So far since i've been visiting w/ my extended family  I've learned a little about christ and how he was born in a mother fucking manger... and why Joseph didn't divorce Mary's ass bc she was preggie even tho they didn't fuck. there was also an angel who my cousin played in a pageant when she was 5.. obvi the convo here is way existential. yay. although all that was actually kinda interesting since i know absolutely nothing about my own supposed religion. I want to write something positive but I like literally am all pissy and grinchy inside. This is why i'm making a list of people who are having a worse Christmas than me.

1. Lindsay: 

Lindsay, who somehow is not in jail is currently making a movie which should literally be called the "worst movie ever made in all history please never watch this or you shall be forever scarred: Scary Movie 40000000" with Charlie Sheen and since Charlie recently gave Lins some major cash to bail her out of.... her life... hes trying to somehow get it written in the script that the two get it on  in the movie. Poor Lindsay like doesn't even have enough for a lawyer to get his grimey ass away from her silicone filled lips. ugh that SUCKS. Shes prob spending Christmas wth a bottle of vodka.. or 5 and a few 8 balls. like that will come close to making kissing charlie sheen okay. blech iw. gross gross gross.

2. Demi Moore:

Okay ,so I know my Christmas CANNOT be as bad as Demi Moores'---who is currently getting served divorce papers from her ex husband. Gross. the same ex husband who, besides being the lamest character on that 70's show, can only brag about being the 20 something year old face of Nikon when they needed a new ad campaign like 10 years ago and hosting a show that should have been cancelled after the first 3 episodes.. (NO I DON'T CARE IF - ENTER C-LIST CELEBRITY- IS OVERLY EMBARRASSED IN PUBLIC.) Demi is probably still dancing naked on a table in some club while Lenny Kravitz tries to figure out how he got there... and hopefully some sober enough person drugs her and commits her to rehab..

3. (and i'm probably going straight to hell for this:)

Jessica Simpson: 

after everything her career has come to this: the introduction of her new weight watchers commercials. Since this is the case, she is probably hibernating with a tub of ice cream and a gallon of eggnog, crying into the last of her fake hair extensions. Yea, you used to be hot as hell and wear daisy dukes and be an untouchable virgin but now that you were dumped/divorced by almost everyone you dated, saw your sister have better success than you (even tho she couldn't sing for shit) and then suddenly married.... wait , who??  that does not make you relevant anymore. I hope these commercials help w/ that. and the baby fat. goood luck. please don't become the next Christie Alley.  That would really bring negative christmas cheer to every one. God, and after her dad came out as a homosexual perophile.. 2012 has been rough on the poor girl!!!

4., 5. and 6. Rita Ora, The Kardashian Brother and Jonah Hill: 

Until i read dlisted a few days ago I had no idea who these ppl were and still kinda dont.. soooo, apparently Rita Ora, who no one knows, was dating the Kardashian brother... super.. but cheated on him recently with JONAH HILL. iw. iw iw. they all get iws. all around. Rita Ora is clearly a whore w/ like negative taste, The Kardashian brother sucks ass but does not deserve to be cheated on with Jonah Hill, eeek. thats Harsh. Jonah Hill, you didn't get skinny and you're still annoying. ugh. grossness. It would be bad enough to get sat down and explained to that you are getting dumped for Jonah Hill, but to get cheated on for him? That's horrid Karma I would not wish to be sitting on this Christmas season. thank you.


Then I guess there is always like the fact that I'm not Justin Beiber or Kim Kardashian.. Or that like i'm not sick or mentally disabled or look like this:

or have a fatal illness, or just have had an animal die..  or live in middle America or shop at Strawberry....etc. Okay I guess i'm grateful for a lot of things. Now im' going to go watch its a wonderful life and feel like a selfish bitch. Sounds about right. xoxoxo

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