May 2013 - THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Sunday, May 12, 2013

IS THE TAG ON MY REPUTATION SHOWING?



sorry music is boring today. but deal. plus its not that boring its actually pretty awesome. I'm just lazy right now. and there is sooooo much to tell. 


ANYWAY!!!!!

FIRST: 

Here's something that heterosexual males should probably know by heart... if there are any straight dies who read this.. girls: please educate your men immediately.. 

I was just talking w one of my best friends about how sad it is when men can't dress. fucking pick up a GQ or esquire and copy basically exactly.. wtf is their problem? Its so not okay.. 

for instance: please see below. YUM. 


anyway, i wasn't aware whether or not gentleman were a dying breed... I think men usually look up to Tom Ford.. at least they should, Jesus Christ!!!! (I love how I assume that bc I respect TF so much, that men will as well...) ugh, anyway... lets all hope this helps them. 

Tom Ford's five easy lessons in how to be a gentleman »

1. You should put on the best version of yourself when you go out in the world because that is a show of respect to the other people around you.

2. A gentleman today has to work. People who do not work are so boring and are usually bored. You have to be passionate, you have to be engaged and you have to be contributing to the world.

3. Manners are very important and actually knowing when things are appropriate. I always open doors for women, I carry their coat, I make sure that they’re walking on the inside of the street. Stand up when people arrive at and leave the dinner table.

4. Don’t be pretentious or racist or sexist or judge people by their background.

5. A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach.


Listen up. Tom Ford is giving away pure gold here. There’s nothing better than a gentleman. Number three is important. Mind you, it’s not about chivalry. It’s not about courtship and gender roles.. i'm sorry but i'm so sick of uncouth men who have absolutely no clue anyone exists besides themselves.

yea, you owrk on wall street or are a lawyer... go fuck yourself.  Altho Tom Ford is heartbreakingly gay that means he’s not trying to fuck me, he simply knows how to treat the opposite gender and understands the importance of manners. Um helluhhh???? Blame your mother fucking mammas boy if you are lacking in this category.. so listen... Fuck chivalry. Be a gentleman.


SECONDLY:

okay so kinda exciting news!!!

I’ve always loathed Facebook and over the past few months my hatred has gotten super intense and


unhealthy..... There was a time when it was a necessary evil but basically only for stalking purposes.. Exes, girls i feel competition towards, long lost loves.... plus dumb shit I write on my actual friends walls which they wont miss since I talk to them 5 times a day anyway. There was no more denying that my account was SIMPLY A vast collection of exes, one night stands, and random people from my distant past with whom I shared nothing but a hometown or an alma mater.
Uh.. i'm also totally tired of all the cursory acquaintanceship. plus its a fucking burden not worth the upkeep to keep my stupid profile looking like my life is completely fab to random onlookers I honestly dont even care abt.. plus second guessing every damn thing i paste is not nearly worth the potential embarrassment.

I'm gonna keep ranting.. 



I’ve have had enough of Zuckerberg’s hideous blue and white monster and while i'm on the subject I never saw that damn facebook movie but it looked like it was boring as fuck and I don't need to know about some gd Harvard loser who made millions on the lamest soul sucking shit on the Internet. And ppl liked it.. so even tho i didn't even give the movie a chance, that pissed me off too.  and now that it’s blown its mythological load with the big movie, I officially declare Facebook to be done and done.


Facebook has been little more than an irrelevant intrusion for the last couple years anyway, It was all a big chore, really — a gigantic time-suck that required constant scandal pruning once family members and potential employers had to become friends w/ me and started poking around. I imagine it is going to be downright fucking glorious to not have a clue what’s going on in the worlds of several hundred people who are not and never were anything close to “friends.”
Right now, I have no idea whether some girl I went to high school/college/had issues w/... is either married or pregnant AGAIN. I have will now have no idea what some random dude I fucked at (insert horrible one night stand locale..) is now super happy and made partner at his stupid law firm or whether or not my horrible ex is continuing to date a doll he picked out of the dumpster after,, well, we don't need to go into that story. it might take a while but hopefully i'll love not knowing.
In addition, my opinion was influenced by my deep respect for ppl i've been meeting recently who don't have facebook (i.e. they don't waste half of their night on.. well, everything i just mentioned.) 
No doubt i'll find some other completely pointless way to play around o the Internet... but well see.. If i keep posting shit i'll let you know how my mental state is w/o that shit.. 
SO... I’m out. 
I encourage every last one of you who know what I’m talking about to join me. If you’ve ever considered brushing aside that tangled web of bullshit, deactivate your account as well.
Start the trend. I promise, you won’t regret it. Fuck ‘em where they live. well, we will see how i fare. 
OH I also found a fucking gem on the Internet the other day while i was looking for sneakers to buy online. Here's a sneak preview: 

Read the whole blog here: http://textsfrombennett.tumblr.com/
its prob fake but it is still funny as shit so I'm not gonna be a hater. YAY ME.

okay time to go pick some flowers for mom and fgure out whatf i'm going to do today. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

7 Things You Should Already Know By Now

First listen to this mix: It'll automatically make you calm and happy like a little clam. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.





OKAY SO HERE IS THE SHIT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE APPARENTLY ALREADY KNOWN:

1. What’s important today won’t matter tomorrow


Yeah, so you got a problem. Sleep on it, sunshine. Put it off. Most problems can be safely ignored. You’ll be amazed how often they sort themselves out. And the gravity of any given problem is inversely proportional to the hour of the day. At three in the morning,  you’ve got an insurmountable issue. After four whisky and cokes at nine in the evening, you haven’t even got an inkling of a problem.

2. Everybody else is furiously improvising, so you can too

Show me an expert and I’ll show you a charlatan. FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT and assume that basically everyone you talk to is faking something abt themselves.. I'm more than capable of faking it. HAHAHAHAHA



3. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about you

Really. They don’t. For example, I’m not thinking about you now But I'm sure you are. (obviously....)

4. It’s OK to piss people off (yes!)

but not everyone or else you are a fucking asshole. yea, i need to work on that. 

5. Aspiration is for suckers

I guess just be happy w what you have everyday?? This sounds a little Suzie Home-Maker

6. Nobody tells all the truth, all the time

I think its like physically impossible or something.. So just lower your expectations of people. When put in a spot, people fib.. like 95% of the time. just don't let them know you are onto them.. that gets messy

7. Life doesn’t get better – only your perception of life improves

okay word on this one but I think i'm gonna have to think a bit more about it to really comprehend how to improve my perception of things... DUDE, NO JUDGING. shit gets hard.. 

8. You’re wrong as often as you’re right

so don't get all on your high horse when something goes your way bc something is probably abt to go wrong for you in 3...2...1... God, I love that theory.

Je Vous empris. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

AN IMPOSSIBLE DANCE PARTY

OKAY: 

It is a fucking travesty that white ppl can't (are strongly urged not to) belt out all the lyrics to rap songs bc stupid, better-than-the-world rappers insist on using language that is inappropriate for most normal white girls (... and people) to sing along to. SO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. we are people too!!! and we want to sing along to fucking problems!!!!

ps. fun fact: the model in the pic below by Terry Richardson just got caught w a bag of coke and might get her modeling contracts revoked for bad behavior ala Kate 2006. BIATCH.







.. Also- I've recently been out when the songs from this mix are played and there are few occasions when i'm drunk enough to dance to them although every inch of my body wants to. It only takes a glimpse at some girl all decked out in her inner strippers finest getting it on w/ the bar/a pole/table/tasteless man like the club turned into her imaginary music video to stop myself. not only that but i strongly feel that the rappers here are the only ones who can legit rap to their lyrics wo looking/sounding like a complete moron. no matter who you are. personal opinion. and completely tragic. 

okay not saying i'm not totally at fault for such indiscretions...BUT I TRY. It isn't that hard to realize i'm not as sexy as rihanna.. my clothes usually aren't rap video worthy and the club lighting is doing nothing for me. HAHAHAHAHAH

So ANYWAY the mix are a bunch of songs I wish I could look like a sexy badass dancing to.. I suppose I should at least be thankful that I know to keep this dance party/sing along to the privacy of my own room.

SIDENOTE: I wish my life could mimic Lana Del Rey's National Anthem bc I am partially/totally in total love w/ a$ap Rocky. 

on another totally fun note you probably don't care about BUT SHOULD: my computer just came up w/ this totally useful fact abt the word utilize that you can use too!!!: (aka try to avoid)
Utilize is a puff-word. Since it does nothing that good old use doesn't do, its extra letters and syllables don't make a writer seem smarter. Rather, using utilize makes you seem like either a pompous twit or someone so insecure that he'll use pointlessly big words in an attempt to look smart. 

God my computer is always looking out for my best interest. Yay, i love you for so many reasons. Yea,  I love my computer. fuck off. sooooo.......


SECOND ON THE AGENDA: 


So here is the best thing i've read in a really really long time: I guess it is some letter that the president of a sorority (unknown) @ U of Maryland wrote to her poor sisters bc they weren't pulling their weight during Greek Week. hahahahah this shit couldn't be funnier if it was a total joke (which it might be) It is pretty long but completely worth it. HAHAHAAH. It is nice to know there are some bitches out there who are totally shameless about being total cunts.. in fact.. wait for it but this bitch actually uses the phrase "I will cunt punt you." WTF?? hahahahah Honestly she had me when she called her chapter awkward and boring straight up.  

To go w/ the theme here I included one of my favorite clips ever. I swear I idolized Parker Posey for years bc of this:





seriously get ready for this email bc it is a fucking GEM. 
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted], I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
"But [first name redacted]!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! 
I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.


I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you: DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.
I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.
-[Last name redacted] 

GOLDEN. what fucking royal slutface of cuntdom wrote this insanity???? I want to meet her.  

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