September 2013 - THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Saturday, September 14, 2013

yay VOTING!!!!!!!!!!

OMG A SURVEY HORRAY!!! 
if you have the attention span of a 5 year old boy with ADD this survey is for you! If you like hot girls who are a total mess this survey is REALLY for you and if you have always wanted to tell the world who you think is the most scientifically proven train wreck since Paula Abdul left America's Next Manufactured Pop Star.. this survey is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. 

Not only that but taking this survey is proven to increase your IQ AND your productivity by 20% and yOUR opinion makes all the difference in the world! Without you, these survey results might as well sit in the place where you put your junk mail to get recycled, but never get around to it so you end up with a giant pile of useless paper in your house that you don't have the heart to throw out because you are against wasting trees.
Not only that, but since you're supposed to vote soon this awesome, amazing, excellent survey has been made just for you to give you some much needed practice. You'll get a pin that says I VOTED AND you'll be the envy of all your friends.

OH and unlike the real voting booths.. your opinions are actually welcome.. even if you're from FLORIDA!. 


xoxo



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How To Live Your Life Like It’s A Bret Easton Ellis

I FIGURED I'D POST THIS EVEN THO I DIDN'T WRITE IT BC BEE IS MY FAVORITE AUTHOR. AND BASICALLY, YEA. 
re: http://thoughtcatalog.com

Care a lot about freeways and restaurants and streets. It’s important to note that you took Fountain instead of Sunset to meet your drug dealer because Sunset is usually a nightmare and makes you anxious. Only live in Los Angeles or New York. You can take a break to attend a liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere but you’ll move back right when you graduate because there’ll be nothing to do and you get bored too easily. You’re bored right now.


Follow the script of a typical bourgeois kid. Grow up in Los Angeles and go to some private school on the Westside or the Valley. Maybe you went to Archer or Crossroads or New Roads or Harvard-Westlake or Buckley or maybe even Hamilton, even though it’s public and ew. Become friends with the big bad jerks of Los Angeles who have silver spoons dangling from their mouths and Rich People Names like Olivia and Muffy and Harrison. Decide early on that you won’t care about anything ever. Caring about things must mean you’re poor or something and you’re super rich so why would you ever feel anything besides boredom and disinterest? Every time you spend a dollar, you become more dead inside. Cha-ching = dead. How many soul points did that eight ball of coke cost you? OMG, coke!

Talk about food a lot and where you’re eating it. You’re always eating at Spago with your dad unless you’re eating at Dominick’s or Il Cielo with Stella who you may or may not be in love with. It’s hard to tell because you just don’t care. Who’s Stella? Where’s my drink?
Other things you don’t care about: Whether someone has a penis or a vagina. You’re sort of gay and will sleep with whoever. Chad, Clay, Chrissy, Samantha, and Thomas might as well be the same person because you are so numb. Caring about gender is not only complete BS (fRee SpiRIt), it also would require you to have feelings about something, which is not allowed. Just say NO to having an opinion.
Everyone around you seems to be crazier than you are. Watch your 14-year-old sister snort your mother’s Adderall in the pool house and talk about this guy she’s sleeping with. C-R-A-Z-Y. Someone should get her help…somewhere…somehow.
somewhere
somehow
somewhere
somehow
Repeat this over and over and think you’re having some sort of breakthrough. Maybe you’re experiencing a feeling? You’re not sure. Wait, maybe the valet guy has your feelings. You’ll ask. “Sir, do you have my—” You trail off, exhausted, and just get into the car.
Have this mild sense of awareness that everything and everyone around you is messed up. Go to your friend’s house and find them watching kiddie porn. Think to yourself that this is wrong but get fatigued at the idea of saying something. Sit down and take a ValiumXanaxVicodinOxyKlonopinAmbien with this person and watch the kiddie porn with them. Kiddie porn is really screwed up but also, like, NBD.
This how you live the life of Bret Easton Ellis. Go to lunch with someone and barely speak. Leave lunch and wait until you go to dinner. The three hours you have between dinner reservations will give you serious anxiety and you will have to just drive on the freeway to deal with it. Just be desensitized to everything going around you. Always make sure you look fabulous. All the time you would ordinarily spend on cultivating a personality, you use for grooming. A well-groomed person always gives the impression that they care. It’s a great trick.
Oh, and kill people sometimes if you’re stressed out and can’t get into Barcadia. TC mark

a history lesson: 2/14/13 AND THE SHIP OF SHIT

SOMETHING FROM 2013 THE ARCHIVES:

warning: this post is complete nonsense and may waste your time. only read in case of extreme boredom: (altho that explains many posts on this blog)



CARNIVAL'S POOP CRUISE 


THE BACKGROUND  
In case you didn't accidentally flip by CNN anytime during or about a week after valentines day 2013, an 893-foot, 4,200-person Carnival cruise ship took off from Galveston last week for what was supposed to be a normal, run-of-the-mill cruise. The ship suffered an engine fire on Sunday, though, and the ship was crippled. It spent the last four days of its trip stranded in the Gulf of Mexico. Conditions on board were relayed back to people on land through text messages and short phone calls, and it quickly became clear that the ship had descended into anarchy, a floating "Lord of the Flies," where passengers were pooping in overflowed toilets, sleeping on the deck, and, as food ran out, eating jelly beans three meals a day. 








MIND YOU THIS GLORY STORY THAT WAS COVERED ON CNN FOR LEGIT 7 DAYS STARTING ON FABULOUS FEB 14TH.. WHICH HAPPENED TO BE MERE MONTHS AFTER MY HEARTBREAK OF HEARTBREAKS HAD OCCURED. SO NOT ONLY WAS I THRILLED AT THIS SHIPS TIMING, BUT MY FRIEND AND I FELT THE NEED TO CELEBRATE ITS SHIT EXPLOSION W/ A POEM. 

THE SHIP OF SHIT
BY ELIZ
there once was a carnival ship called triumph that cruised
and while the passengers gambled and boozed
little did they know that their fair vessel
was about to turn into a big gigantic poopy mess(el)

the ship was old and soon pipes broke
which obviously worried the folk
but they had no idea what was in store
before they were to return to shore

slowly the shit came dripping down
first they were curious then started to frown
as raw sewage came down on their heads
and into their luggage and all over their beds

Two girls ashore who are really quite brills
took the opportunity to bring themselves some thrills
the day that the diarrrhea ship gained gallons of shit
was a day that they both (one especially) was dreading a bit

valentines day was when the shit started to ooze
and the girls forgot their woes and were fiercely amused
imagining their fates on a ship filled with shit
was much better than any breakup.. at least just a bit

SOOOOOOO..... 

here are just a few of the fucking brilliant headlines that brought joy to our otherwise overly shitty valentine day. GOD, WHO COULD COME UP W ANYTHING BETTER. hahahhahahaah

ACTUAL HEADLINES: 

  • Passengers Trapped on Shit-Encrusted Hell Cruise Docked in Caribbean
  • Disabled, Shit-Covered Cruise Ship Descends to New Circle of Hell Off the Coast of Alabama
  • Stranded Carnival Cruise Ship's Toilets Are So Full Of Shit They Are Falling Off The Walls
  • Holy crap: Carnival tweet assures poop-cruise passengers the bathrobes are complimentary

REAL LIFE NO BULLSHIT QUOTES: 

These quotes from passengers talking about the "poop" part of the "poop cruise." How is this not the best news story of all time?


     "The lower floors had it the worst, the floors 'squish' when you walk and lots of the lower rooms have flooding from above floors," Hill wrote. "Half the bachelorette party was on two; the smell down there literally chokes you and hurts your eyes."
  • From Deadspin: "Y'all better be enjoying your Valentine's flowers while we're defecating in red plastic bags."
  • From the NY Times: "“It’s like being locked in a Porta Potty for days,” said Peter Cass, a physician from Beaumont, Tex., as the ship crept closer to Mobile on Thursday. “We’ve lived through two hurricanes, and this is worse.”
    : "She said 'there's poop and urine all along the floor. The floor is flooded with sewer water ... and we had to poop in bags.'
    : "The worst thing I've witnessed is] the toilets that fell off the wall because they were so full and shit and urine floating around."
  • "They did their best to keep our spirits up," she said.
    Joseph and Cecilia Alvarez of San Antonio said some passengers passed the time by forming a Bible study group."It was awesome," he said. "It lifted up our souls and gave us hope that we would get back." But most still aboard chanted, "Let me off, let me off!"




AND THIS IS PROBABLY THE FUNNIEST ACCOUNT I'VE EVER HEARD- the story legit cannot get better: 

Jayme Lamm—freelance sportswriter and proprietor of TheBlondeSide.com—is currently stranded aboard the Carnival Triumph, a cruise ship that has been without power for four days after an engine room fire. We've received sporadic dispatches from her over the past few days via text message, and she's agreed to let us post them in this space. Everything [sic]'d.Barely alive.Literally stranded at sea. Using plastic bags to bathroom and NO ELECTRICITY.

[The worst thing I've witnessed is] the toilets that fell off the wall because they were so full and shit and urine floating around. Two people were banging in my tent the first night and I watched I was so bored. 

Food hasn't been a huge issue, but it's not good. Jelly & bread and zucchini & red onion sandwiches. Some lady was SELLING Immodium. Woman died yesterday of a heart attack. They closed the bars Sunday when the fire happened. Luckily I brought a flask. And Ambien. 

They won't let us outside because people are holding up sheets with messages. The first three nights we slept outside under tents made out of our bedsheets. They made us come in. They said safety reasons but it's not. Today they cleaned the hell out of this ship, served LOBSTER FOR LUNCH, crew is wearing matching hats.Y'all better be enjoying your Valentine's flowers while we're defecating in red plastic bags. People are spelling "HELP" with their bodies. Our theme song has been Alicia Keys: "This Boat Is On Fire."We are going 1mph.

Update (6:44 p.m.): Some lady just told me she took the batteries out of her vibrator to use her fan. 







and here are the musings of two creative geniuses on this beloved topic who fondly named this the SHIP OF SHIT. and will always remember feb 14th 2013 as our best valentines day.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

THE LONG AWAITED RETURN OF: JA'IME KING

Thank you. And thank you to the traditional landowners of Summer Heights, the Wurundjeri people. My name is Ja'mie. J-A-apostrophe-M-I-E. Weird name, I know. But you'll get used to it. Yes, I come from one of the most expensive private girls schools in the state, but I'm actually really cool. Please don't be intimidated by me. People always go "Private schools create better citizens," but I would say they create better quality citizens. Studies have shown that students from private schools are more likely to get into Uni and end up making a lot more money; while wife-beaters and rapists are nearly all public-school educated. Sorry, no offense, but it's true.



GIRL I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!!!!



 ALSO: WE WANT MR G. BACK TOO!!!!
(giving slideshow) That's me being an idiot. My friends say that I look like Mischa Barton in that photo. I so don't. Oh my god. That's from my modeling portfolio. They should not be in there. That's really embarrassing. I'm up to a thousand friends on MySpace, and I could always do with more. 




22 Times Ja'mie King Was The Most Real And Inspiring Person On Television[crying, on the phone] Mom it's me. I'm really upset. You've got to come and pick me up. 'Cause everyone's being a bitch to me. I should never have come here. They don't even have fucking grass on their oval. It's all just dirt. I am not going to see the school councilor you bitch! I hate this school. I do not want to be here. I want to fucking go back to Hillford. I'll trash my room and you will be fucking cleaning it up, okay? I will have no hesitation in smashing your doll's cupboard with a hammer, Mom. I'm serious. Or maybe I'll get pregnant. Maybe I'll just go and root some teacher or something and get pregnant and then you deal with that. You'll have to fucking raise the baby. Is that what you want? I am seriously gonna hyperventilate and die and it will be your fault. I am not fucking getting on the train home! The train stations out in the suburbs here are seriously fucked up. I'm gonna get raped or something and then I'll be in counseling for the rest of my life and it will be your fault! Why are you the biggest bitch in the world to me? I'm 16, mom. In a couples years time I'm going to be fucking out of your life. I'm not even going to fucking invite you to my wedding. Do you love me? If you fucking love me you will do as I fucking say. I just want to go back to Hillford. That is where I belong. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm a fucking private-school girl.
also: its hard not to be a hater  against  Terry Richardson and Cyley getting together for some serious douchefuckery  of a music video to a song that sucks blue balls anywya. what happened to DANCING IN THE USA? please. 


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